Upside-down

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"People think things will be handed to them. That is not how it is going to work."

"We have to do what is best for the school."

"I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this, you should work on your affect..."

"I don't see you in first grade."

"You don't seem enticed by ASP." "No, I coach." ::silence::

"You've been applying other places, right? I think you're ready to move on."

Please insert name here: __________ Well we need to do what is best for the school. You need to...I think... Why give the same speech to separate people? It really takes away any conviction and sincerity of the words. Treat people like the individuals that they are. What is the point of fostering a community that is constantly feeling compared to others? People just begin to harbor negative feelings towards each other or the job. It becomes very hard to remember why teachers do the job they do, when there is all the other going on.

If as suspected jobs are being cut and we're being "creative and flexible" why is there apparently 6-8 jobs open to fill? There is a decent amount of people who are still interested in coming back, so I don't understand. I guess I'll go with the benefit of the doubt that they are just covering themselves if people do leave.

Why is this hitting me so hard? It is unclear. Perhaps it's all finally getting to me. I have been strong and dealing well (I think, I could be wrong--feel free to correct me) but this kinda broke me. I suppose it is my fault for assuming I'd have a job. I don't know what to do exactly. Had I known all this a couple months ago, I would've gotten my resume, references, etc ready and applied for other teaching fellows and such. Now I am in limbo. I need to do all of that, but it's overwhelming and is this what I should be doing? The other problem is my year lease. Not awesome. I feel like I am whining and constantly complaining, knowing others are affected just as much as I am. What am I missing in trying to handle it?

One of the worst parts is that I feel like I'll be abandoning my teams and other coaches. We all thought I would be around for next year at least. When I got bogged down by what was happening down the hill, I could always come up perhaps in a foul mood and the girls would some how make me laugh. We would have good and bad practices or games, but I could always remember what we were doing and why. We have formed a bond and how does one explain to a group of girls, average age 16 that I won't be able to be their coach. They won't understand and it will crush me. This is what I dread the most.

Maybe I just won't need to go to the doctors or dentist at all next year and it won't matter that I won't have insurance...

or...

Maybe I'll go work abroad...why not?

or...

Maybe I shouldn't be teaching all together.

This is all a game and I'm not sure what the next move should be.
It comes down to the fact of the unknown and insecurity of it, this scares me.