Thoughts...

Is it problem if after work (and not just a few days throughout the year) I want to a) drink until oblivion b) cry or c) change professions? And it has nothing to do with my actual students.

I've decided it's much easier to be or appear angry than sad. Being angry allows for some sort of scapegoat, whether right or wrong. While being sad is just lonely, hopeless and draining. Sidenote: I feel funny saying the word sad. It sounds so juvenile to me. Anyway, I mean, I know my emotional intelligence is low, but the way I've been feeling lately, is I would think, abnormal. I am not saying I am supposed to love my job all the time. I recognize this is life. Things happen. It's not meant to be easy all the time. If it were easy all the time, we wouldn't recognize when the good moments or people happened. I also am aware someone else has always has it worse than myself. However, these constant waves of emotions are not something I'm used to for one, and two healthy/helpful in maintaining normality.

I feel odd saying this, but I'm not sad because of the uncertainty of my job. I am fairly secure in that I will have a job, perhaps just not the placement I want...I can deal. I'm upset/sad because who will still be there? I used to love the place because of the people. Even with all the BS, we all could still joke and stand together. But now, all the people that I care about and respect the most are frustrated, burned out, or angry. They will leave. I feel like I should be doing more, in whatever ways, to ease or lighten the mood. It hurts knowing the extent people are upset. Where will the go? Who knows... maybe no place far, maybe home or maybe where ever there is a job. They all are amazing people who are highly qualified and would easily get a job somewhere else.

Fact. People get busy. I have numerous friends from college or HS in NYC or even a few in PA and NJ. None that are terribly far. I rarely see them or for that matter talk to them. Schedules differ; things get in the way. This is what scares me. I already see it with the people that I'm close with, let alone even more people that I'm close with. Then there I will be, learning from who knows (hopefully not the people that can't do their jobs) and hanging with...? Most of the associates I am friends with are 3rd years and they have to leave because the fulfilled the duration of the program. I do the job because I like(d) it, but the interpersonal relationships are really what sold me. As quiet or introverted as I am or can be, I need those people. I can't imagine things so drastically different.

I opted out of proceeding with culinary school after college because I didn't want to work on holidays, weekends and I wanted to have a family eventually. At this point, these reasons are so foreign. If I worked weekends then I wouldn't have to wonder if people were around to do things and I'd make some money. I feel like sometimes I'm at such a different point in my life than most I'm friends with...even the friends that are my age. For better or worse I don't know. I guess it is what it is.

Sorry for the rambling and jumping around...all the thoughts are interconnected though.

It's amazing what difference a year, and even a few months can bring...